Monday, 23 January 2012

You Know The Date Is Going Badly When...


WARNING: SPOILERS

<Aliens, The Fifth Element, Blade Runner, Donnie Darko, 
Akira, Battlestar Galactica, Tron Legacy>

You Know The Date Is Going Badly When...

... your romantic interest pulls out a machine and asks if they ask you fifty to a hundred cross-linked questions. When you ask what the machine is they mumble something about ‘empathy test’.

What do you mean 'Boiled dog isn't a real entrée?'
... the cute, bright-eyed guy that saved you from execution on that space station turns out to be your brother.

'Fine, we'll split the bill. Don't get sulky about it.'
... the super-hot, platinum blonde in the skin tight red dress persuades you to give her the defense codes to the colonies. Then she, along with her friends, nuke every city.

'Of course it's my natural colour.'
... the emo, edgy biker you were seeing becomes an arena-sized, psychic-ego monster who wants to tear up the city.

'You think this is bad? Wait until you see the live action version.'
... the hottest girl on the Grid is actually your father’s best friend. To make matters worse she follows you to a night club and gets her arm broken.

'The next person to ask for a white russian is getting de-rezzed.'
... the stunning girl in the medical bandages turns out to be the ultimate weapon against evil. Even when you take her to the nicest hotel in the galaxy she still manages to get in to trouble.

'I told you not to bring liquids through security.'
... you sustain severe acid burns to your face. The confident yet troubled woman you’re interested in suddenly decides to foster a little girl. Just to really finish things off the atmosphere processor goes critical, meaning you can’t even get a kebab on the way home.

'I haven't been this badly hurt since 'Terminator', dammit.'
... you’re suddenly thrust in to a tangent universe where you’ll end up getting killed. It’s not all bad as you get to snog Jake Gyllenhaal and have an awesome soundtrack.

'I had this crazy dream we were in a cinema with a giant rab... oh, shit.'
... that feisty blonde pilot that you’ve been having an on-again, off-again relationship with suddenly disappears with not even a puff of smoke to show for it. You can’t even talk it over with your dad because he just flew off with the President in the last Raptor.


The location manager had really lost the will to live by season five.

Monday, 2 January 2012

The New Years Honours List


Twice a year the monarch of our fair isle announces honours for outstanding service, bravery, merit and achievement. Seeing as I rule this small corner of the Internet I decided it was time to get in on the action, and so I give you The Republic of Den New Year’s Honours List*.

Orders of Chivalry

My good friends Jon and David saw fit to bestow upon me a laptop when I was made redundant back in February.  With said laptop I was able to look for jobs (and not have to watch daytime television). Not only did I do that but I also wrote huge amounts on the lovely machine they gave me. These two chaps are on Twitter as @DavidBryher and @Morganised respectively.

They are awarded the The Distinguished Internet Service Provider Order (DISPO) for their help in a time of dire need.

Anne Perry (Or Anne C. Perry as she’s known these days) receives The Republic Service Order (RSO) for continued faithful service. Namely hammering my drafts into legible short stories over the course of the year. She’s also provided constant encouragement and challenged me to really take my game to the next level this year (that game being Munchkin now you ask). Anne is one quarter of the Kitschies Science Fiction Award panel and you can find her on Twitter as @thefingersofgod

Jared Shurin is man that makes things happen simply by being in the same post code. He’s a veritable nexus of drive and ideas. He’s also ridiculously good company and always buys me beer when I’m impoverished. Anne and Jared invited me to be part of their Pandemonium projects for Jurassic publishing; a huge compliment. Jared is also a quarter of the Kitschies Science Fiction Award panel. Find him on Twitter as @pornokitsch
Jared is awarded The Order of Den Patrick (ODP). 

Decorations

James Long from Orbit Books has a been a consistently interesting conversationalist and fellow lover of all things genre. He also rocks the skinny tie look, which a is a mode of dress close to my heart. He is awarded the The Order of the Mass Market Paperback. You can find James on Twitter as @SpecHorizons

Tom Pollock (Yes, he of the three book deal with Quercus no less) has been great sounding board through out the year on all topics, but mainly those to do with writing. He’s generously provided encouragement, made suggestions and shared insights with me. He is awarded The Distinguished Gentleman Cross. Tom is on Twitter as @tomhpollock 

Sennheiser headphones are also worthy of mentioning due to their valuable contribution to beats, noise and distortion.

Recognition for contributions to the arts (namely on aforementioned headphones) go to Holy Other, Moderat and Nest.

In short, I just wanted to say ‘thanks’ to my friends for seeing me through a tough year. ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times’ would be a fair summary. A year where I was kicked out of my comics job but found real solace in the thing I love – writing. However writing is a lonely business and you need to stock up on good people to go and hang out with. You also need feedback for manuscripts from folks you can trust, which I am blessed with an abundance of.



*The Republic of Den is currently a virtual state.